“I sell drugs.”

We had been sitting at the bar for almost an hour and got all the required banter out of the way. Once we had proven to ourselves that the other was worth striking up a conversation with, we started with the basics. He asked me what I did, and then waited for me to answer and return the question.

“I sell drugs. Yeah, I know it was a set up, but I just love telling people that I sell drugs for a living.” It turns out that this guy is a representative who flies all over the country pedaling pharmaceutical wares to doctors. After quite a few more drinks, we were undoubtedly what Chuck Palahniuk would call “single serving friends.”

It was not long before a drug commercial reared it’s ugly head on the plasma TV that we were using to watch a rerun of Sundays football game. I chuckled as the man on the screen proudly proclaimed, “I have genital herpes!” At the end of the commercial a fast soft voice listed all the side effects of the medicine. My single serving friend saw me laugh.

“You know, they do that on purpose.”

“What, get herpes?”

“No, make a pill that has the side effect of ‘dry cough.’”

“A dry cough helps suppress herpes?”

“No!”

“Well, I’m just a little too drunk to figure out what you are talking about.”

“OK, well America is full of hypochondriacs. More then you can imagine. The average housewife watches Oprah, flips over to Fox News to catch the current Terror Level, and then spends the rest of the day trying to figure out what illness she believes she is suffering from this week. Naturally, you might assume that this is good for my business. However, the insurance companies don’t like the idea of shelling out bookoo bucks, so every thirty something can have a prescription for the latest-greatest cure for whatever ales you.”

“I hate Fox News.”

“Me too. Anyway, have you ever been to a doctor and he offers you some free samples of medication? Usually, it is some form of allergy medication, high margin stuff if you plan on investing, but the doc will give you an ass load of these single serving packets. I give those single serving packets to the doctors.”

“I don’t go to the doctor. Ever.”

“Good, but most people do. They believe that they are suffering from some sickness, and all they want are pills. It does not matter what the doctor puts in front of them; they will take it. So, my job is to make sure that the first experience people have with those pills is a mediocre one.”

“The armadillo effect- the only things you find in the middle of the road are yellow stripes and dead armadillos.”

“Yes, something like that. If you try a new drug and you focus more on the ‘dry cough’ side effect then the fact that you can run through the country fields without sneezing, then you are less likely to force your doctor give you a prescription. Basically, the ‘side effect’ of the drug weeds out the bullshitters. The insurance companies pay the drug companies to pay me to give out free samples of our product, to doctors, which are laced with these ‘side effects’. If the benefits of the drug outweigh the ‘side effects’ then the doctor will give you a prescription, and that prescription is free of these inconvenient additives.”

“I’m really drunk.”

“Yup, and that’s why I don’t feel bad telling you my insider secrets.”

“I’ll remember.”

“Sure you will.”

I did remember. This conversation really happened. Once again I am forced to admit the horrifying reality of the truth. Everything you know, this world you are content living in, is all a lie. If every part of our existence is a lie, then what does that say about the sum of our experiences that make up our reality?